It's so amazing how death has a way of making us stop, teaching us to remember how to live.
Like I was doing 10 days ago.
I was rushing from one graduation open house to another all the while trying to plan my own party for my senior.
As I would meet People they would ask me "how I was"... And I would respond with the most honest answer I knew..."I'm surviving".
It's been a long hard winter and as spring came we have been so busy making up for lost time.
My heart was heavy as I carried some of my friends to Jesus who were facing tough life situations. And I carried my own troubles and was casting them at his feet asking for grace to get through this time.
How was I to know that on Saturday the last day of May, I would, for the last time, speak to one of those friends. If we would have known we would have surely spent more time. We would have said our goodbyes and expressed our love. But we were busy surviving.
So with a wink and a nod from him we smiled, exchanged small talk and served him a piece of cake.
My heart has been crushed with the blow of such tremendous loss this past week.
The death of a friend.
My husbands best.
They spoke on a daily basis.
This morning as I awoke it was the first thought that raced through my head.
He's not coming back.
One week ago today he said goodbye to this earth without a hint to us that he was leaving.
As someone put it.. "The man with a tremendously huge heart for others had it fail him on Monday Morning, June 2.
There are no words that can take away the pain of such deep loss.
He leaves holes everywhere, in so many hearts.
He leaves a widow.. one that seems too young to have that title.
And 3 wonderful children and 5 beautiful grandchildren.
And as the swing groans back and forth on the front porch I know there are 2 of my favorite guys sitting there hugging tight grieving the same deep loss.
The death of a best friend.
The father says to the son... I now know your pain.
And the son who speaks wise beyond his years says... "Every time this happens I get so mad at sin. It's because of sin in this world that we have death".
I wish I could say it's okay and it will be fine....but I know it isn't really fine and the grief runs deep and the tears flow freely.
I know it will take a long time to heal and perhaps it will never be completely OK because we will miss him so much.
I'm clinging to what I know and believe... and that is this.
When Sparrows fall, he knows.
And we don't need to live in fear because we are more valuable to him than a flock of sparrows. (Matt10)
While it doesn't take away the emptiness where a friend or father, brother or husband once sat it comforts me to remember that God knows and cares.
He never promises that sparrows won't fall but he says that when they do he will surely be present because he loves and values his own.
Teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom. ~psalms~