I said the words out loud to myself and to God.
"No really, I am!"
I said it louder.
Like I was trying to convince us both.
And as soon as I had registered my lament I heard him reply,
"That's right... "You are.
You are done for today".
I tried to make him realize that I wasn't going to be able to do it again tomorrow either. But I felt him say again... "Tomorrow you will get back up and you will live in my mercy for another day."
I whimpered through the night in fitful sleep.
The next morning the alarm went off far too early and my swollen eyes and wounded spirit did not feel like I was done being done, But I knew that somehow he was with me and his promise to strengthen my weak heart was my only hope of making it through another day.
Slowly, I crawled out of my covers.
And here is where I found the mercy.
Mercy when I stood under the hot shower.
Mercy as I heard that new song on the radio that touched me deeply and made me cry all over again.
Mercy as I heard him speak love to my soul.
Mercy in the Sunrise.
Mercy as I heard from my sweet girl who left for college the week before.
Mercy in the arms of my baby girl.
Mercy as I drove to a good job to be with people I have come to love.
Mercy as I heard my son say "I do love you mom".
Mercy as he provided my daily bread.
Mercy as I sat surrounded by 100 new people who welcomed me with smiles and kind words.
Mercy as I spoke and sang freely of my faithful friend.
I felt his mercy all around me in so many small ways that I frequently miss.
Have you ever been here?
The place where your desire for peace and tranquility and happily ever after and the reality of your circumstance collide.
I had been asking God to free my numb heart and emotions and Now I found myself wishing I had never mentioned it.
For the last 6 months as events have unfolded, people we love are leaving the earth, my oldest was graduating high school and heading to college, some other difficult things we have had to deal with are piling up, disruptions, new circumstances, concerns for my 2 boys both going into a brand new high school, and I kept throwing my numb blanket over the stack because I simply didn't have any time to deal with the disappointments, the stress, the loss, the busyness, the fear. And then all of a sudden one thing triggers it all and the load came crashing down.
The thaw was beginning.
And in the process while lies where being yelled from the destroyer into my thoughts I could still hear that firm and calming voice directing and guiding me to the next step.
Where hope could begin again.
While nothing around me changed in the night, except my body had a chance to rest,
I knew along with the rising sun his mercies were again fresh and new and enough.
And it happened just that way.
In the Morning he came just as he promised.
And he will do it for you too.
He knows when we are done.
In those moments he calls to us saying, "Come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest."
In the Morning when I rise.....
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentation 3:22
Rest in him tonight..
And in the morning when you wake join me as we look for his tender mercies all around us.
I have found him to be faithful.
I know that You will too.