I make my way up the steps to the upper level which is her haven. Because of busy schedules connecting has to be intentional even if its at 12:30 at night. I want to make sure she knows I am interested in her joys and struggles. I want to use this time wisely making the most of any opportunity.
I go to be an ear and to use my words when asked, but this night it is her words that sink deep into my heart. How can such wisdom come from one so young?
You see we have been led to believe that when someone fails us its best to get it out. To speak of it instead of letting it rot us up and fester like poison in our bones. We have been told to believe that when we are harmed we should be able to defend ourselves to others around until they realize the mistreatment or betrayal we have endured.
We have believed it because it takes no effort to partake in the practice of it.
And yet, all the talk and taking sides and competition of who is right and who is wrong leaves very little room for love.
As she speaks of her pain and her heart stirrings she finishes her sentence with ... "I have found the more I speak of this the harder it is to love."
It was a moment I don't want to forget. Causing me to stop and stare at her with awe. Wondering at how I got so fortunate to hear my own flesh be so insightful. God in her.
Yes that's it. The more hurts are repeated and remembered the harder it is to love out of the abundance of a heart of thankfulness and gratitude for what we have been given.
The more we place it foremost in our mind we set it up as a god and we bow down at the idol we have come to serve. Not because it brings us joy but because we revel in the fact that we are so right and they so terribly wrong. We serve it because there is temporary satisfaction in hurting another the way we have been hurt.
To love more fully. To have a deeper understanding of what it means to extend open hearts of love to our offender. To give, out of what I have received. To pray for those who have mistreated. To be kind when we have been treated unkind. To place my hope not in horses or chariot or man who will pass away... but to place my hope in Jehovah Jireh, The provider of my every need. Jehovah Rapha, the God who binds up the broken hearted and heals the hurts we carry.
These are my earnest prayers Oh God.
Make me pure in heart.
*I want to add that I do believe in Good Christian Counsel. This is not what I refer to when I am writing. Unfortunately to often we are not seeking Counsel in our conversation but seeking vengeance. Maybe we have fallen into a victim mentality or perhaps looking for validation from others because we are co-dependent. I need to ask myself honestly If I am seeking to grow and move out of the pain into healing?Or if I am stuck in the hurt and letting it engulf my thoughts and words, I must consider if I may have set it or them up as a god in my heart.*