Monday, November 25, 2013

The love twist

I make my way up the steps to the upper level which is her haven. Because of busy schedules connecting has to be intentional even if its at 12:30 at night. I want to make sure she knows I am interested in her joys and struggles. I want to use this time wisely making the most of any opportunity.

I go to be an ear and to use my words when asked, but this night it is her words that sink deep into my heart. How can such wisdom come from one so young?

You see we have been led to believe that when someone fails us its best to get it out. To speak of it instead of letting it rot us up and fester like poison in our bones. We have been told to believe that when we are harmed  we should be able to defend ourselves to others around until they realize the mistreatment or betrayal we have endured.
We have believed it because it takes no effort to partake in the practice of it.
And yet, all the talk and taking sides and competition of who is right and who is wrong leaves very little room for love.
As she speaks of her pain and her heart stirrings she finishes her sentence with ... "I have found the more I speak of this the harder it is to love."

It was a moment I don't want to forget. Causing me to stop and stare at her with awe. Wondering at how I got so fortunate to hear my own flesh be so insightful. God in her.

Yes that's it. The more hurts are repeated and remembered the harder it is to love out of the abundance of a heart of thankfulness and gratitude for what we have been given.
The more we place it foremost in our mind we set it up as a god and we bow down at the idol we have come to serve. Not because it brings us joy but because we revel in the fact that we are so right and they so terribly wrong. We serve it because there is temporary satisfaction in hurting another the way we have been hurt.

To love more fully. To have a deeper understanding of what it means to extend open hearts of love to our offender. To give, out of what I have received. To pray for those who have mistreated. To be kind when we have been treated unkind. To place my hope not in horses or chariot or man who will pass away... but to place my hope in Jehovah Jireh, The provider of my every need. Jehovah Rapha, the God who binds up the broken hearted and heals the hurts we carry.

These are my earnest prayers Oh God.
Make me pure in heart.

*I want to add that I do believe in Good Christian Counsel. This is not what I refer to when I am writing. Unfortunately to often we are not seeking Counsel in our conversation but seeking vengeance. Maybe we have fallen into a victim mentality or perhaps looking for validation from others because we are co-dependent.  I need to ask myself honestly If I am seeking to grow and move out of the pain into healing?Or if I am stuck in the hurt and letting it engulf my thoughts and words, I must consider if I may have set it or them up as a god in my heart.*

Monday, November 4, 2013

He is the Source of life

I woke up early yesterday with a heavy heart. Just blah. Nothing earth shaking had transpired and yet I just felt drained. You know that feeling? Like the life somehow had been sapped from me as I slept. 
I got up and went to church and still felt heavy. 
I worshiped, served, was challenged and fed but still... something hung there over the emotional door of my heart asking me to accept its pill.
I served lunch and took my nap hoping I would wake up alive again. 
Still it was there beckoning me to fall into a pit of self pity and blame.
We took an afternoon hike and enjoyed the beautiful time of year. Then took the little one for a date to DQ where we ate ice cream and played cards in the corner booth. It's her love language and her cup seemed to fill as we played. 
When I got home I took a long hot bubble bath. As I did I decided to play an old pod cast that I hadn't gotten to yet. And there it was.... The thing I couldn't put my finger on all wrapped up in a 40 minute message. 
"Codependency is when we plug into people places or things as the source of life....So when my life isn't going so great I blame _____ for being the source of my problems.
And When My Children are the source of my life... I use them to impress others.
Or When my Parents are the source of my life...I make decisions based on how they think or feel.
How about my spouse? When we make them the source of life we will blame them or try to control them.
How about waiting to be recognized by a boss or someone else I feel the need to gain the favor of but they continue to ignore me so I begin to find fault in them or manipulate them.
These are some of the examples the speaker gave...
And I knew it's what I needed to be reminded of.
When I am not taking personal responsibility to get my glass filled by the one who is my true source of life I will blame and feel offended and want to control every.single.time.

So this morning I wake with a new song of Thanksgiving that the Source of all Life dwells with me. He fills me with his presence and is the defeater of the enemy of my soul.
I am beyond blessed that the one who painted this picture above desires  to be my  closest friend. He wants to spend time with me.
That's kind of a heady thought.
If you are waiting to be recognized by people of this world remember that the only one who can truly fill those empty spots in your soul,every day, is the maker of this sky.
What a great way to start my week..
God is the source of my life... Not others.

This link below is one of my favorite songs right now....
I choose Jesus