Saturday, May 11, 2013

A letter from a less than perfect mom

Here it is Mother's Day again. If you feel like once again Mother's day is a reminder of all you are not than you and I.... We are kindred spirits.

In fact this week alone I have taken a vicious internal beating as I recognized how flawed I am as a mother. I don't mean to brag but I think if there were awards for procrastination and fly by the seat of my pants, I may get Gold.
This week was one of those times.
We had been talking about this for several weeks. A special night out for me and the little one. We would go to the Secret Keeper Girls Night, Just her and I.  We talked about how fun it would be to bring the little girl from church who just started attending. We knew her and her mom and Sophie thought that would be great. So we invited them to meet us there. I checked out the site several times for 10 days but each time I did I thought, "I'll wait until I have my purse close by to sign up". The church posted different prices for sign up before or at the door so never once did I anticipate when I finally went to sign up only  some 40 hours before the show that the words "SOLD OUT" would be written across the church website. My heart sank as I scrambled trying to figure out how to remedy the situation. I called the church, talked to friends who I hoped may be able to help... Nothing.
I heard lots of accusations come flooding into my mind..My inability to keep it  all together. What a failure of a mother I was. How could I disappoint my sweet 10 year old? If I were just a better person I would never have allowed this to happen.
How I Detest letting those I love down. 

I didn't tell her about it until the night before. I painfully told her what had happened. And that sweet little girl was so gracious. "It's okay mommy. We can do something else together". She said. I assured her we were going to attempt it anyway. The church had told me there may be tickets people didn't want so I should come by 5:30 and they should know by 6:15. My heart felt heavy. But  after we arrived we spent a little time talking to Jesus about it before we left the van. And we decided that whatever they said at the door we would still have a good time together tonight.
As soon as the doors opened we headed to see what the verdict was. The kind ladies at the door said, "why yes we do have some extra tickets". They could have asked me to pay $50 a ticket... We were going.
As I sat there among all the girls hearing them scream and giggle, I held my little girls hand. I listened to the very well crafted evening of speakers and dancers who told stories and "impromptu" messages. I knew we were supposed to be in that room. The most powerful moment came for me when Suzi (the main speaker) came out with a robe on with different embroidered negative messages all over it.  They were messages like "unlovable" and "ugly" and "stupid". And as she spoke I felt it cut right to my own heart. She Reminded us that these labels are lies. They may be labels someone else gave us or they may be labels we gave ourselves. But either way they won't make us free. My own imperfections felt like they were written across my forehead. I realized again in that moment that I would never talk to another the way I had let my own mind and lips berate myself.
My Father feels differently about me.
I know this.
I have known since I was a child. And yet this week, I had forgotten. And because I allowed my imperfection to define everything I felt about my role as mother, and how I felt about myself as a person instead of remembering the truth about what the one who created me says, I had felt small and defeated.
So as we approach Mother's day this year I don't know what negative label you may be wearing.
But I'm inviting you to take it off with me.
Maybe it's friendless, or Worthless. Maybe you are struggling to believe there is much good at all in you. You've made mistakes. Maybe You have believed lies that were spoken about you. Whatever imperfection you see in the mirror remember there is a creator who thinks you are pretty amazing.

 He wants to change your name from Outcast to Friend, Ugly to Lovely, Fearful to Courageous. 

We are so lovely to him he left perfection to walk on soil. The earth he had spoke into existence. And lived among man  he had formed from dust.

Recognizing we are flawed and allowing our mistakes to make us feel defeated are very different matters. 
The realization of my own weakness allows me to be gracious to others in their shortcomings.
But Allowing my flaws to define who I am takes me down a path of defeatism and negative thoughts. Keeping me bound up and moody.

So tonight I say yes, I know I am less than perfect,but I think in some ways my understanding of that fact makes me a healthier mom.
Hopefully, I can extend graciousness to my children when I see their less than perfect ways.  Showing forgiveness when they mess up. Loving them the way I have been loved.
Realizing I need to be shown patience  in my shortcomings helps me to be patient with theirs.

And tomorrow I will celebrate the fact that God gave me a mother. And made me mother.
Neither of us being an image of perfection....but of redemption.
After all, that's what the one "Who dances over us with singing" paid for.
Imperfectly yours,

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