How living takes on a different perspective when a life screech's to a halt.
Trivial things seem pointless and petty.
One of my boys mentioned... "People try to make me laugh but it's just not all that funny".
This ache that resides over my heart feels like it may never leave. I just want to make it better for all those I love. And I can't.
I have some fears of how this will change my family or my children who at such a tender age have had to deal with the harshest realities of life.
And then God once again graciously gave me a story through my 10 year old's Bible Teacher.
On Thursday, the first day my children attempted school, there was a chapel service. The teacher spoke of everyone having an expiration date. She asked the young children, "what would you do if you knew it was your last day to live?" One little boy said he would travel the world. Another spoke of material possessions She said, "and then I saw Sophie with her little hand up. So I asked, What do you think Sophie?" Sophie replied, "I would spend it with my family".
It brings tears to my eyes that at 10, My little one has learned one of the most important things of life. She knows that in the end to be surrounded by those we love is what brings meaning. And I personally feel like hiding in the shelter of that for a long time. I feel exposed and sad if I am anywhere else right now.
Many people have talked about the strong faith of our family especially of my sister and brother in law and how they, in the middle of watching a child suffer so much, stayed strong in their belief that God is good and in control. I am thankful to be part of such a family. But I do not think it so impressive as some say. I think it to be the only way we survive. As Jason has so eloquently stated... "We have all been created to turn to something.. And Jesus invites us to choose him." So if we don't choose him it will be something. Substance abuse, Workaholism, Overspending, Bitterness, and many other poisons that one may choose.
I found myself being angry initially. Not at God because I knew he was with us. I have a deep sense in my heart that he loves us no matter what life brings us. But my anger came out of the powerlessness I felt to control what was happening.My heart ached at the sounds of gut-wrenching sobs that come when a parent has to let a child go. I was angry at our Soul's enemy because I knew he was delighted to see us in pain. I was angry that we live in a world of sin. I was angry that Instead of buying drinks to give to my nephew because he enjoyed the taste, I was buying them to put on the top of his casket for a memorial of his last requested list of special liquids. I feel powerless and frustrated when my son through tears says, "Life will never be the same." And somehow I fear he is right.
But falling into the strong arms of my Father, while accepting the reality of life, feeling the pain deeply, and not allowing bitterness to overtake me on the other side of the funeral is where I walk today.
Not because I'm so strong.
But because I know he is.
I will continue to encourage my sister and her family to keep the faith. Because I know it is the only way that in the end we will be saved from the pit of the hell of our own making.
I will remember the good times and we will continue to talk of them. We will look forward to a time when we will be together again. Forever this time. Where there will be no more pain or sadness. No respiratory failure, pic lines, discomfort or thirst.
One of the most comforting things I heard this past weekend came from a childhood friend. She told me she had heard it at a funeral one time.
"We will be with them Longer than we will be a part from them".
For some reason I can't get that out of my head.
Because I know things will be hard. I know they will be different. There will always be a void. I know those things instinctively.
But when I think of being a part as a short time in contrast of the years we will be together it gives me hope and the lump in my throat subsides for a minute.
Thank you for that encouragement Gwen!
So many of you came out to give your love and kind words. Thank you for being such a tremendous supportive community. It means the world to us as we grieve. You have been Jesus with skin!
Until it is my turn to make that soul trip to leave this earth forever I could not ask for a better place to live out my days.