Saturday, March 16, 2013

Crushed down but not destroyed

It is with a heavy heart and swollen eyes I bring this post tonight. If you have been reading my sisters caring bridge site you know that on Tuesday we said goodnight to our little warrior. He fought hard and long and his suffering was tremendous!

On Monday I got the call that Benji was too critical to have a transplant. The docs were taking him off the list and only gave him days to live. We were packed and on our way to St Louis with other family members within 2 hours. It was a quiet and tearful journey. I entered a world I never knew before. I have grieved loss before but this one feels so different. The whole Idea of a parent having to watch a child suffer and thirst and ultimately bury a child is one I  cannot make sense of. The injustice of the pain my children and other cousins are and will carry lays heavy on my shoulders. The empty spot my soft spoken nephew will leave  in our family,School, in his Sunday School and in my heart.

After we arrived we went straight to the hospital and up to his room. Gathering we tried to squeak out of our shaky  voices and quivering chins songs of his faithfulness and peace.
Be still our souls.....I remembered how just weeks before when we gathered and sang he would lay as though sleeping but would continue to motion with his hand,as though he were directing us, to sing. Sometimes we got the thumbs up if he liked it. He also showed us sign language for I love you when we told him his cousins were wanting to come back to see him.

But now, he lay unmoving, hooked up to a breathing machine peacefully looking fast asleep. Indeed we did not know these were his final,  3 precious hours.
I thought back to 2 weeks prior when we had made a trip down to anoint him. It seemed like 2 months ago. He had wanted to watch a movie with Jalen, Malaina and Micah so we set them up on a sleeping sofa behind his bed. He was too tired to watch it all at one time so they watched half at night and half the next day. 

 At 7:30 am Tuesday, March 12, 2013  he drew his last breath. We told that little bird to fly to Jesus. Safe in his arms.
And as his brother worst day ever,Benji's best.
He is home where we all long to be.

I posted this on Benji's wall late Tuesday afternoon.

Benji I was going to write you a letter last night on our way to say goodbye for now... But only tears would come. I still need to let you know how much you touched me as I watched you walk the valley. You showed strong patience in suffering. A tremendous warrior like spirit with all the scars from battle to prove it. You were brave mighty warrior!! Your love for family was beautiful and one of the first things Jalen mentioned when we asked what he will miss most of his best friend. You did shine your little light so brightly in this dark world. You were loved ferociously by people all over the world. Your mom and dad fought hard to give you the life you dreamed of. And now today you have finally gotten that life. You are free. FREE!!! This morning I would imagine that the healer of your scars may have said something like this as you stood before him. " We'll done young warrior! You have finished the race I had prepared for you. Now come enter the kings service. Eat of the abundance from my table. And drink, DRINK to your hearts content from the river of life." We are right on your heels Benjamin Ross! You just beat us this time! I can imagine that you will show Landon, Jalen and Micah all the great places to explore. Just like you boys did at TroyerCampouts— off to EXPLORE. Or maybe you will want to teach us a new card game. I'm sure you will reach down to pick Annika up in your strong arms. Or Perhaps you will challenge Cory to a race,and we know your new pipes will give that big brother a bit of a challenge!! We will be there soon. Save us a spot close to you my dear boy!! I love you mighty Warrior!! Aunt Rosie


  1. Aww, what a beautiful tribute to Benji. I started reading this earlier today, and then I realized that there was no way I would make it through without crying! So I stopped reading and came back to it just now, yep, tears came sure enough. It's so apparent that Benji was a much loved young man. Continuing to think of your family and to pray for you all.

  2. Thank you Kathy! Your emails of support have touched my heart across the miles! You are such a compassionate soul!


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