Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Milestones

She will be fine.

She will.

She is going to be okay.

I keep telling myself this as my gaze is fixed on the window.

Waiting for her return.

My mind is whirling.
Walking down memory lane. Life was so simple back when I had full control over their daily happenings. I didn't always believe that then but somewhere I knew in my heart that while raising small children had it's own set of stress it was nothing like waiting up for them at night. Not knowing where they were.
I like to physically see each of my children with my own set of eyes before I retire at night. And even if it has changed that I now go to bed before the majority of my house does, I still know that they are present and accounted for.

I know it will not always be like this.
And today marks that change.

In walks a mother with two toddlers in tow.. One on her hip. I remember doing that. How fast it went! The need to have personal space would at times be overwhelming. And now I sit here. Alone. Waiting.
As I watch, my eyes mist over. I know she will never understand my sentiments. So I hold my tongue and smile. I never cared much for the comments about how time flies. I knew it did. I did not want to be reminded. Oh how it flies.

As I wait for my daughter to return with our van and her driving instructor my mind spins. "Remember when.." is the echo I hear.
I realize it is one more "letting go" that must happen in order to accomplish the mission I have been given.

I try to be brave. To act like it's no big deal. Like I do this every day. But as my eyes continue to stare out the window of the BMV, I pray. For safety. And a good report.

I want her to pass but I secretly wish I could just take her back to these days for one more day.
I know it's not wise to start being all sappy. I need to be happy. And part of me truly is.
It's a big deal. She has changed so much.
And she needs wings to fly.
She needs to do these things so she needs me less.
And yet, it's a ripping.. a string that is attached to my heart, and I feel the tug.



Then without warning in she steps.
I have totally missed her reappearance because she parked out of my line of vision.
I hear her chatter and light laugh.
She walks around me until she is front and center and frowns.
I say.. Well?
She..... as her frown instantly turns upside down to her beautiful smile.
PASS! She says as she throws her arms around me.
Yay! I cheer. We need some Starbuck's for that accomplishment!
(and my nerves)

What an achievement!
I am proud of her.
And my heart knows it is right.
And good.
All these changes make me realize my heart actually is a lot stronger than it used to be.
Back when.
Because daily grace is what we all need.
I can't think of the what if's or whens of the future.
I must focus on the grace I have for today.

And today my sweet 16 beauty is a licensed driver.
So I celebrate with her.

2 comments:

  1. Feeling misty eyed for and with you! I still have a couple years to go (4, yes I'm counting) until we hit this milestone. Praying for the safety of your new driver and for the peace of mind for you!

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  2. So well spoken Rose! May God bless you as you continue through the teen years!

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