Saturday, December 31, 2011

I want to live like I'm dying.

Last night I had a dream.

And now at 4:30 a.m. I'm awake.
Because it was one of those dreams that you wake in a cold sweat thankful it's not real and still emotionally distraught from it.

I was on my death bed.
Literally I was dying in a hospital bed.
My children were there some of the time.
But at a certain time I was alone.
And I needed to get up.
But I couldn't.
So I called the nurse to help me.
When my family came back in the room I was trying to explain to the little one how much I wanted to be at an upcoming event but wasn't able to promise.
I was so torn up inside because I knew I had not prepared them for everything they will face.
I was not ready to leave them.
It was heartbreaking.

I didn't feel fear in leaving.
I felt sorrow for leaving.
Because I knew they needed me still and my departure seemed premature.

As I awoke and started processing it all, this is what I thought about.

1. Maybe all that fish I had last night wasn't such a great idea.

2. And the table conversation we had with the people we were eating fish with included death. And several of their close friends and relatives recent passing.

3. What if I really am dying?

4. I need to get on a regular supplement.

5. What would I tell my loved ones if today was it?

6. I wonder if being the last day of the year is significant.

Reflections back on the past year and thinking of starting a new one plus a milestone birthday for me next week has got me thinking.

What if anything am I doing to make a difference in this world?

Just like in the dream I am not afraid to go. In fact most days in the past few years I have asked God.. "Is today the day? Come quickly Lord Jesus". Heaven has never seemed more exciting!
But it's the people I leave that I feel obligated to. The ones that I would never be able to make it better for.

I think living in the moment every moment is my goal for this next year.
Trying to make the most of every second.
It's too easy to miss the good ole' days. Or Wish for the future with made up fantasies.
But living today on purpose with purpose is my goal.

That means squeezing those necks as often as I can.
Tucking that little one in every night and sometimes even curling up beside her even when I'm tired because I know she won't always want that.
It means engaging in conversation about what makes them happy or scared even if I'd rather be off by myself doing something mind numbing.
It means saying yes to them when the lazy me would rather say no.
It's telling my husband I love him every day.

If I knew I was dying tomorrow my last day would surely include lots of moments that I would hope my family would remember. Not big ticket items but time well spent and special conversations.

One day I will leave this body and this earth but my hope is that the mark I leave on those I love will be one that will lead them to the place I am going.

Today I purpose to live like I am dying.

Because truly I am.

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