A letter from a less than perfect mom

Here it is Mother's Day again. If you feel like once again Mother's day is a reminder of all you are not than you and I.... We are kindred spirits.

In fact this week alone I have taken a vicious internal beating as I recognized how flawed I am as a mother. I don't mean to brag but I think if there were awards for procrastination and fly by the seat of my pants, I may get Gold.
This week was one of those times.
We had been talking about this for several weeks. A special night out for me and the little one. We would go to the Secret Keeper Girls Night, Just her and I.  We talked about how fun it would be to bring the little girl from church who just started attending. We knew her and her mom and Sophie thought that would be great. So we invited them to meet us there. I checked out the site several times for 10 days but each time I did I thought, "I'll wait until I have my purse close by to sign up". The church posted different prices for sign up before or at the door so never once did I anticipate when I finally went to sign up only  some 40 hours before the show that the words "SOLD OUT" would be written across the church website. My heart sank as I scrambled trying to figure out how to remedy the situation. I called the church, talked to friends who I hoped may be able to help... Nothing.
I heard lots of accusations come flooding into my mind..My inability to keep it  all together. What a failure of a mother I was. How could I disappoint my sweet 10 year old? If I were just a better person I would never have allowed this to happen.
How I Detest letting those I love down. 

I didn't tell her about it until the night before. I painfully told her what had happened. And that sweet little girl was so gracious. "It's okay mommy. We can do something else together". She said. I assured her we were going to attempt it anyway. The church had told me there may be tickets people didn't want so I should come by 5:30 and they should know by 6:15. My heart felt heavy. But  after we arrived we spent a little time talking to Jesus about it before we left the van. And we decided that whatever they said at the door we would still have a good time together tonight.
As soon as the doors opened we headed to see what the verdict was. The kind ladies at the door said, "why yes we do have some extra tickets". They could have asked me to pay $50 a ticket... We were going.

As I sat there among all the girls hearing them scream and giggle, I held my little girls hand. I listened to the very well crafted evening of speakers and dancers who told stories and "impromptu" messages. I knew we were supposed to be in that room. The most powerful moment came for me when Suzi (the main speaker) came out with a robe on with different embroidered negative messages all over it.  They were messages like "unlovable" and "ugly" and "stupid". And as she spoke I felt it cut right to my own heart. She Reminded us that these labels are lies. They may be labels someone else gave us or they may be labels we gave ourselves. But either way they won't make us free. My own imperfections felt like they were written across my forehead. I realized again in that moment that I would never talk to another the way I had let my own mind and lips berate myself.
My Father feels differently about me.
I know this.
I have known since I was a child. And yet this week, I had forgotten. And because I allowed my imperfection to define everything I felt about my role as mother, and how I felt about myself as a person instead of remembering the truth about what the one who created me says, I had felt small and defeated.
So as we approach Mother's day this year I don't know what negative label you may be wearing.
But I'm inviting you to take it off with me.
Maybe it's friendless, or Worthless. Maybe you are struggling to believe there is much good at all in you. You've made mistakes. Maybe You have believed lies that were spoken about you. Whatever imperfection you see in the mirror remember there is a creator who thinks you are pretty amazing.

 He wants to change your name from Outcast to Friend, Ugly to Lovely, Fearful to Courageous. 

We are so lovely to him he left perfection to walk on soil. The earth he had spoke into existence. And lived among man  he had formed from dust.

Recognizing we are flawed and allowing our mistakes to make us feel defeated are very different matters. 
The realization of my own weakness allows me to be gracious to others in their shortcomings.
But Allowing my flaws to define who I am takes me down a path of defeatism and negative thoughts. Keeping me bound up and moody.

So tonight I say yes, I know I am less than perfect,but I think in some ways my understanding of that fact makes me a healthier mom.
Hopefully, I can extend graciousness to my children when I see their less than perfect ways.  Showing forgiveness when they mess up. Loving them the way I have been loved.
Realizing I need to be shown patience  in my shortcomings helps me to be patient with theirs.

And tomorrow I will celebrate the fact that God gave me a mother. And made me mother.

Neither of us being an image of perfection....but of redemption.
After all, that's what the one "Who dances over us with singing" paid for.
Signed,
Imperfectly yours,
Rosyrose

Blessed are those who mourn...for they will be comforted~ Jesus

We huddle around a table catching up on all that is happening in the lives of one another. It feels safe and many tears are shed as we share heartbreaking struggles with each other.  I realize the path we are on is not only painful but in many ways feels sacred. We feel for and with each other and the future no longer seems so certain or clear. There is strength in traveling in a pack  So we hunch down and draw tighter together to form a circle. Sharing stories, tears and encouragement.

The weight of death is raw and it's sharp teeth penetrate at unexpected moments. A reminder of what has been lost feels overwhelming and without warning sweeps in and shows us no mercy. A dream can make us sad. A memory of better days can cause us to become a mess of emotions and tears.The tear filled eyes of my children and Sister as they process such a tremendous loss. They express doubts of life ever returning to normal and the ache ever leaving their hearts. A lump on my little ones neck makes her question through tears if it may be life threatening, which once again gives me a glimpse into the innocence lost. Her vulnerabilities are now greater as she watched one close to her own age slip away. My heart aches for what I cannot change. I am helpless to wipe away the hurt.  In these moments We can only run to the only one who can do that for us.
Today I am clinging to that.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort. (2 Corinthians 1:3-7 ESV)

The Race

The big race had just begun. The runners were all lined up heading in the same direction. This would be a race of a life time. The runners were excited as they anticipated all that lay before them. Chatting happily as they ran through the wooded areas and wide open fields. Sometimes the rocks would make certain runners trip but there were friends along the way that were always right there to pick up the fallen or offer a drink to the thirsty. Throughout the race new runners would join. The other runners would all cheer as their new friends chose to run the race. 
This was a race that was not intended to be competitive but rather one where each athlete  was to receive a prize at the end  of their own journey, which was yet to be determined for each individual. But sometimes people forgot this, especially if they felt superior to another runner who ran next to them. Or inferior to one in front of them.

Sometimes the runners got tired and heard there was a short cut down paths that were wider and easier to travel. But most times those runners never made it back to the less traveled road where the other runners journeyed. 
Sometimes when a runner would fall down some behind him would race right past. Some would offer words of encouragement and even sit right down with the runner. But Others would stop to stare. They would whisper to each other... "He's fallen, I think this is grounds for disqualification from the race." Forgetting that they themselves had fallen several miles back. And all kinds of questions arose as to what to do with this disqualified one. Some of the runners stopped running altogether to form a committee figuring out how to handle this runner. Some runners cried, "Have Mercy". Others said, "We know he has fallen but we can't judge". All the while, the runner just lay there in his shame and falleness. Realizing he probably would never run again.
 And then the rain came. And it got muddy and people started yelling louder at each other and throwing mud. Sometimes the clumps of mud would hit others around and finally there was a whole host of runners who were just laying there on the ground holding their wounded arms and legs and hearts.
The runner wanted to get up but he knew these people he had been running with would never let him run freely again. As he slowly got up and started to walk again he limped. But he believed those words that he would never run again. He was disqualified for sure. This was one of those unacceptable falls that no one would ever forget or forgive him for. 
And the worst part?
 He would never be able to forgive himself. He loathed himself for what he had become. 
And there he stayed over to the side of the pack, wondering how to ever run again.

This morning I woke up with the word Disqualified on my mind.
 What makes one feel disqualified from running?
I have been there. Sometimes it's because of falls of our own choices. Sometimes because of pits others throw us in. We no longer hold the perfect runner award someone had placed above our head, but instead the biggest loser who didn't measure up. And we feel disqualified from ministry. Or life in general.  Maybe you feel disqualified from running with those you had run before.

The bottom line is this... We all trip. We all are guilty of mudslingin' and falling. But there is good news for you today if you have been struggling in the race.
We have a forerunner who came and ran a perfect race. 
No stumbles. No falls. No Failures.
 He was judged by those around him.
He's the one who will be the final official when the race is over.
Those around you can say whatever they want to, but he's the one who decides in the end.

And the best part?
 He paid the price so you don't have to. He gave his life for you. And although you may have really been as bad as everyone says, He tells you that he still loves you and  wants you to confess your wrong and move forward.
He wants you to get up and run hard. And while we run the race to please him, and  nothing we do is hid from his gaze, It's not our perfection but His that makes the difference for us in the end.
 Run Fast.
 Run with your head up because HE has not Disqualified you.
You are in this race to win.
You are his child. And you can do all things through his strength.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,~Hebrews 12:1

I am learning

For I have learned Whatever state I am in to be content. ~ Paul

These past months have  ranked in the top of my most difficult season of life.  And Although I don't typically make a formal New Year's Commitment... Because I know I will fail, and forget and beat myself up relentlessly for the 11 months left in the year, I typically decline from making such proclamations. This year a theme started reoccurring in my brain. I think it may have had to do with a restlessness that I found to be in my Spirit. 

The Theme has continued to pop up over and over. In my heart. In the Word. In conversations. Posts.. Etc...
Only the very Mature have learned how to be content with whatever life deals them. Only the most advanced in their faith know how to have joy in the middle of constant suffering. I have a friend like this. He's not going to live many more years, unless God heals him miraculously. And yet he is positive and  joyful and encouraging every time I see him. He doesn't even want people to know of his condition. Because he doesn't want to be defined by his terminal illness.
He blesses me.
He's content.
And I know I want to be that person one day.
When the Scripture says... "I have learned" it means one has accomplished it. Like I have learned the alphabet. To say I have learned implies I am consistently in a state of contentedness. 
 But me? No, I'm  just learning how to be content.

So instead of just deciding that this is the year I'm going to  be content, I have been processing how to be content. What does contentment look like?
It's a battle in this world of "me first" and "more" to live with what we've been given with joyful hearts.
It's so easy to look across the fence and see something we perceive will finally make us fulfilled. So we compare our dull non eventful and maybe even painful life with the highlights of our neighbor or face book friend, family member or maybe even best friend.

It's easy to spot someone who lacks contentment but harder to see  in ourselves.

This is my plan. Not a Resolution of a year long plan but a life long one.

1. Live more Gratefully. To do this I really must pause and recount the gifts I have been given. The people in my life. The job I have. The things I have been entrusted with.

2. Remembering... Life. Is. A. Gift. I have witnessed this first hand this winter. Life is not guaranteed. Every breath I take is a gift. What will I do with today?  What if it's my last?

3. I am given the family, the talent, and the place I am in right now, at this season, for a reason. I will give an account for this. I must be intentional about honoring these gifts.

4. I will choose to see the positive side of adverse circumstances.. that doesn't mean I don't acknowledge pain, it means I will determine to dwell on what God can do in the middle of whatever I face.

5. I will not let fear overtake me. In a world of conflict and horrible news stories I will fall on the one who has promised to be with me and take me one day to the place I call home.

6. I will not let the weather give me an excuse to be ugly and unkind. I will also remember to thank God for the seasons as he brings them to pass.

7. I will determine to always rejoice with others when they are rejoicing, even if I do not ever get the very thing they are rejoicing over.

8. I will be more intentional with how and why I'm spending money. Is it because of lack of something deeper  that drives me to fill  that hole with a desire to obtain more? What is the motive of having more...even if it's a good buy?

9. I will learn from people around the world who have much less than I do. I will give out of what I have been given.

10. I will learn to be patient in affliction. Because honestly, it grows us up faster and deeper than anything else. Affliction, when it comes, can be profitable for teaching contentment. If I choose to allow God to work in my heart in those seasons, Instead of complaining and falling into a trap of self pity, I will begin to  learn the secrets of contentment in all things.

I am on a journey.
To live life like a follower of the one who gives ultimate joy, to a world who desperately needs encouragement. 
Let it begin with me.

¹⁰ I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at length you have revived your concern for me. You were indeed concerned for me, but you had no opportunity. ¹¹ Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. ¹² I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. ¹³ I can do all things through him who strengthens me ~ Philippians 

One month without you here

How could we have known a year ago at Easter that it would be your last one on Earth?
How could we have known that you wouldn't finish out your first year of high school?
 Or ever learn to drive?
How could we have known all the lasts?
How?
Our hearts are torn as we try to learn how to live with the pain that your absence brings. It's one day of tears and the next of reasonable toleration of the grief. But it's always close to the surface ready to spring forth at one word mentioned that brings you back to our mind. We laugh at the memories of the good ole days. We cry knowing we don't get to make anymore.
It's out of order. Kids don't die. Not usually.. We hoped and prayed for a different outcome. But it was not meant to be. We know in our heads we were made for another place but in the parting there is such a ripping. A tearing out of hearts. Today I grieve our loss! I grieve your  departure again. I cry for my sister my brother in law their sons and mine. I mourn for a grandma and grandpa for cousins and friends who miss you.
 Today 1 month later we weep.
Still.
We know you are where we all want to be. We were made for eternity.
But tonight my tears fall for me not you. I know you are just fine. But I'm not going to be for a long time!

I found this song tonight. It brought me comfort.
(If you click on The reason for the world, it will take you there.)

The reason for the world

A little Kentucky Education

For Spring Break we took a few days and headed to Lexington, Kentucky. We had often passed through the city but never really checked it out up close. This is really unacceptable since we lived in the neighboring city of Louisville. Malaina was a toddler and Jalen was born while we lived there. We have very great memories of our time there. But never did we attend a horse race. Of Course Louisville is the big Derby city but we were not all that interested at the time in seeing a race. But today we thought it may be fun to just run down to the track and see a race.

And we got quite an education. As tourist we were dressed in comfy clothes enjoying our tour around the countryside.

But as we pulled into the park we realized we were ridiculously under-dressed. So when we eventually found a spot to park we piled out and tried to figure out what to do next. Micah said... "okay family, let's all just agree to talk in Australian accents." Good idea let's just pretend to be foreigners. Several started repeating the phrase we had just picked up at our college visit. "We refuse to accept embarrassment" The meaning behind this phrase is that embarrassment always looks for a place to land and if we don't accept it someone else may get embarrassed for us. :)
Me? I decided to just dig out the dress I had worn the night before and throw on some heels.

 After weaving through crowds of people we found a pretty good spot to watch the race.  We confessed to a the usher that we were Yankee's and he so kindly told us what was going on. He gave the kids little trinkets and allowed the girls to take pictures with the owners umbrella's.

We refused to accept the embarrassment.

There were lots of good opportunities to witness how we don't want to conduct ourselves at the race track. I'm just glad we didn't get trampled with the masses of people. Do you know how claustrophobic it is to be my size and be in a sea of people? I'm not a fan. 

We were glad to have wide open spaces again. The walk back to the car got a little long so big brother offered a lift. 

It was a day we won't forget soon.

Everyone seemed grateful to head back to the city to get some chocolate from the Kentucky Chocolate Company. 

And even more grateful to get home to our own beds. 

It's always good to go....

But even better to come home!

Can we come too?

It was a smell that took me to another day. The musty Odor lingered as I strolled through the aged building. Remembering another day when it was me, yes I was the one just beginning a new chapter of life.

Some 20 years ago I was making a visit to the Bible College I would attend. I remember the smell because for me smell seems to be very closely related to most every memory I have. I was sitting there in the lobby and in strolled this very confident looking bearded man in a trench coat. I instantly followed him with my eyes. I had decided in the 3 quick minutes that 1. He was handsome. 2 He knew how to make an entrance. 3. I should probably meet him. 4.  I hoped the date he was leaving on wouldn't work out. (confession)
  It took us awhile to figure out how to relate but when we finally did we knew we couldn't make it apart.

That year  was a good year for me.  The spiritual cocoon that I was wrapped in was comforting and stretching all at the same time. I built many friendships that I still cherish today. The memories of piling in cars and heading to the nearest pizza joint will never leave my memory. I have fond memories of The classes, the Teachers,The overall sense of learning to live without mom and dad and making more decisions on my own, becoming independent and growing up.

As I spent some time reflecting over the past to my daughter I had a sense of excitement about this day. The day when she too would be visiting a college she has chosen as top of her list of potentials. We would go tour today and be one step closer to spreading her wings.

I expected I would be teary as I usually am when I think of her leaving. But today I just felt excited. Excited that my daughter would get to have those experiences soon. That she too would be able to know how fun a community of friends who live together and experience a whole new life can be.
If she were a math  or science major or something else that would not  be my language I may still be excited for her. But with her choice of  Journalism or Public Relations I am as interested in sitting in classes with her as she is. I had to refrain from getting out my notebook and jotting down some tips. But I shouldn't because I'm the mom. I kept telling myself. I'm the mom,with the prospective college student. Weird feeling.

Every now and then we would tease her and say, "we should all just move here." Which made her laugh and say "No dad you can't live on campus with me". The other kids decided they should all just come here and then we wouldn't have to do anymore visits.

The Communications center was state of the art with amazing artifacts  all throughout the building.
I'm so glad for her to have found something that she really likes.
We haven't made a final decision but it's a strong candidate. With our pastor's STRONG endorsement as a former student of the college and the seminary we felt a sense of "coming home". Even though it was a new campus to us. The professors and students we talked with emphasized the strong stance the college has on the whole and inspiration of scripture which tops off our most important question when picking a college that will be shaping our precious for at least 4 years.

In the hotel room last night I turned over to sleep and there she was in the next bed facing me.I watched her as she slept reliving the years that have slipped by. Thinking about what a young lady she has become. I was so proud of her as she asked the intelligent questions she had written down in her note book. I Know she will be just fine. It's me that will have the growing pains. Her presence in our family on a daily basis will be missed. So the question that never really got answered remains...
Can We just come too?